when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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