The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
