After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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