i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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