I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
