my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
