This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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