I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
