your room smells of hookers.
And success
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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