I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
