What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
