just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
