I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
