One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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