3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
