I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
