why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
