my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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