Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
