I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
