They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
