Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You were trust falling into bushes
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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