She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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