I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
