it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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