Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
a search helicopter?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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