I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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