if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
