fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
