So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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