Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this boner is exhausting
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
