I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Everclear isn't food dammit
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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