I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
