Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
