Soap is not a condiment
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
