I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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