Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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