Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
