That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
