She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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