She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
