u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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