You're so nebulous sometimes
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
