i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
