I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
