i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
