Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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