Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
3pm strippers are depressing
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
