i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
