omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
