It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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