The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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