Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
