I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
