Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
