If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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