we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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