You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
