Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
