I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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