after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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